


Pity Party of One

by isweartocoffee



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 05:25:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4775330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isweartocoffee/pseuds/isweartocoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"...Are you in the bath right now?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, I- I thought it might help me fall back asleep."</p>
<p>Tsukki would huff, with an eyeroll capable of being envisioned.  "You better not fall asleep <em>in</em> the water."</p>
<p>That comment would make Tadashi laugh.  Loudly.  Louder than his usual snicker.  He'd laugh, but he wouldn't make any comment.  That blond boy was so damn clairvoyant without knowing, but Tadashi couldn't tell him as such. Any comment, whether agreeing that he wouldn't or suggesting that he might, could possibly tip Tsukki off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pity Party of One

**Author's Note:**

> tadashi tries to die, please read at your own risk  
> Depressive thoughts, mentions of drug abuse

"Mm... Yamaguchi?" Tsukki's voice would crackle through the other end of the phone.

Tadashi would skim his fingers over the surface of the water. "Hey, Tsukki. Sorry to call so late."

"No, it's alright." There'd be a pause, likely holding a yawn. "What's up?"

_No, wait, he wouldn't say that. Backtrack._

There'd be a pause, likely holding a yawn. "Is something the matter?"

"Nothing in particular," the freckled boy would mumble playfully. "I just wanted to hear your voice."

"I may still be half asleep, but you wouldn't call me for that reason alone." And he'd be right. Never once in their friendship had Tadashi called just to hear Tsukki's voice. Not explicitly saying so, anyway; he'd always disguise it with some other bullshit excuse. This instant would be no different. "What's wrong? You have a nightmare?"

Tadashi would agree. "You caught me." That was one reason he might be calling. Another was that his depression had flared up again and he needed affection and validation; two things Tsukki _sucked_ at, hence the excuse of a nightmare. "I'm really sorry, I just-" He'd cut himself off there, and Tsukki, not fully awake, wouldn't know that his shorter friend wouldn't even have a better excuse prepared. Because directly after the apology, Tsukki always cut the sentence short anyway.

And, in this scenario, the routine held true. "Stop that. You know I'm here for you." He'd decide that that response would be far too sappy for him, so it'd be followed up with a diluted insult. "Don't be a dumbass."

Tadashi would snicker, as he often did at his friend's comments. "I know, I know." He'd carelessly slap the water, enjoying the ripples crash against his knees, and the line on the other end would go still.

"...Are you in the bath right now?"

"Yeah, I- I thought it might help me fall back asleep."

Tsukki would huff, with an eyeroll capable of being envisioned. "You better not fall asleep _in_ the water."

That comment would make Tadashi laugh. Loudly. Louder than his usual snicker. He'd laugh, but he wouldn't make any comment. That blond boy was so damn clairvoyant without knowing, but Tadashi couldn't tell him as such. Even as a passive joke, he found himself unable to lie to Tsukki. Any comment, whether agreeing that he wouldn't or suggesting that he might, could possibly tip Tsukki off. He couldn't risk that, not now. But, as the imagination stood, his sleep-suckled friend wouldn't notice the avoidance to be alarming.

"Hey, Tsukki?"

"Mmm?" That meant he was listening.

"I, um. I have to tell you something." The pills he took might've started to kick in. He wasn't planning on telling his friend now, but artificial fatigue was hazing the edges of his cognizance. He had to hurry the confession along, or he wouldn't get the chance.

"That's what phone calls are for, Yamaguchi. Out with it." It would be sometime in the early a.m.; Tsukki wouldn't be in the mood for guessing.

Flicking some water droplets against the wall, Tadashi would suck in a deep breath, steam from the bath nearly making him cough. "I love you." Cue an anticipatory lip-bite. Everything would slow for a second. Yamaguchi would feel his heart sink with instantaneous regret.

"I love you, too, man. Was that all?"

This would catch the Tadashi off-guard, the blond might think, but he'd spent months perfecting this confession. His response would be: "What? No I meant-"

"I know what you meant. And I love you as a friend. Alright?"

Despite imagining the words over and over, rewinding and playing them in slow motion, and knowing this was his intended goal, it still hurt. "Yeah."

"You're tired. You should try to go back to sleep."

A fake, forced chuckle would bubble past his lips, embarrassed beyond all belief, to be sure. But now the meds would really be working, loosening his inhibitions and allowing him to dip a little further into the bath. Deliriously tired. The forced laugh would bring about a real giggle of self-depreciation to his bathing-self, leading to a tear to welling in his eye. This whole scenario was funny. So very funny. "You're right. Sleep."

"After your bath."

"Who knows?"

"Yamaguchi...?"

"Goodnight, Tsukki. Thanks for letting me talk."

"Tadas-"

He would hit the button before the end of the syllable came out. _That_ was something he would not want to hear right then, or ever really. He'd have fulfilled his purpose for calling, and now all that was left to do was enjoy his ablution.

The hot water would scalding his skin. His mother was going to kill him (haha!) for taking a bath without showering first, soaking in the family tub all filthy like that. She wouldn't have a cow; she would have the whole barn. And he'd have considered going with bubbles (bubbles had always been a preference of his). However, they might throw a wrench in the plan, have him gasping for air before he was truly under, and that alone might make him reconsider his own preconceived death. Drowning is onw thing, choking on bubbles is something entirely separate.

But nothing was worth it nowadays. Flashes of schoolwork and volleyball practice and his job flew through his mind. Grades slipping down a letter, then two, and at that point he'd give up sleep just to do makeup work. He still hadn't gotten the hang of that damn jump-float serve. It appeared to him that he never would. And his job... Fuck it. Happy thoughts.

Thoughts of Tsukishima Kei and him. The two of them holding hands, kissing, passionately making out on Tsukki's bed. The dreams would be luscious, and he'd begin working himself, before just letting his arm fall. It just felt wrong, trying to jerk to the thought of someone who'd just drop-kicked you over the fence. Plus, he was too tired.

His bath would be reaching a bizarre temperature, that of which was far too close to human skin. He wouldn't feel himself splashing around the water. The only way he would know he was still in the water would be by the colder surrounding air hitting his damp skin. A surreal feeling he could distinctly recall. He didn't like it, it felt gross, but what was he going to do, complain? He was dying.

Tasahi would sniffle his freckled nose and whine. He'd itch to talk to somebody else- anybody. Someone to soothe him to sleep, since this gross bowl of human-temperature liquid wasn't doing any damn favors.

The first person (besides redialing Tsukki): Hinata. What a weird soul to want to get to know. They might've been better friends, if not for the current situation. Kageyama. Noya-senpai. Suga-senpai. Ennoshita-senpai! They didn't speak all too much during practice, but what a guy to know... He was honest and straight-forward, caring and collected. Everything about him was so admirable; why couldn't Tadashi be like him? His mom would _love_ Ennoshita.

"Mom..." he'd whisper cautiously. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be all you told me I could be. You wanted a kid, and you were desperate enough to pick me." A small, exhausted frown would slump on his face. "The lost cause. Not even my own parents wanted me. I don't blame you for wanting someone better." He'd slap a hand over his face and rub his eyes, thus rendering it impossible to tell bath water from any tears. Wasn't he suppose to be asleep by now? One child's allergy pill was said to make you drowsy enough to nap. That would've been perfect, however, he took no chances.

So naturally, the correct number to take was four. Four was the death number, right? Or was that six. Fuck if he remembered right now.

His poor mother. After this year's graduation, community college was on the list first, then a university. Then, he'd reach for the sky with his doctorate's degree and put the name Yamaguchi up on a wall somewhere, hanging with pride. That's all his mom ever wanted, to be the perfect mother of a successful child.

He imagined sinking below the water level, salty tears now stilled and mixing with the bath water. He imagined being too far unconscious to notice the air in his lungs being replaced by tepid, room-temperature bath water. He imagined he did, in fact, get his bubbles, but they were coming out of his mouth instead of a bottle. He, finally, imagined going back to sleep.

Fast forward a few hours and his mom would find him in the tub on her way to wake him up. She'd shake her head sadly, muttering about what a failure she'd raised the past ten years. She'd make a phone call, and someone (not her) would remove the water-saturated body from the tub. "Now I need to employ my skills toward a better child. And figure out what I'm making for dinner tonight." Distress wouldn't be at even the back of her mind.

His team would learn of his demise, some might go so far as to murmur a _good riddance_ with a shrug, and they'd continue on as they had before he'd stepped into the gym. Hinata would still spike, Kageyama would still set (and yell), and Tanaka-san would still rip off his shirt as a most obnoxious gesture.

His classmates might notice an empty seat, but that was a bit of a reach. They didn't notice him now, why would they notice a lack of him? The teachers might huff out an exasperated breath at the arduous process of checking the absent box next to his name every single day. At one point, however, it would simply grow to be reflex. "Yamaguchi Tasashi, not here, never will be again."

If anyone were to notice and care at all, it might be Tsukki. His blond friend would get angry at the fact that he'd given up so easily. 'What a spineless cur,' Tadashi could see him saying. 'He promised me that thing for my birthday, how dare he not think I'm worth living for. No matter, though. Surely, I can find someone else.' Tsukki, as everybody else, would soon forget he ever happened.

The leaves would change color and fall off the trees, only to regrow many months later. The animals would disappear with the sun and return when the green of the grass did in kind. A baby would be born, a couple would get married, and somebody else would gain the opportunity of a lifetime. Tadashi's death would have no impact on these events, and that was all he wanted. He didn't ask to be born, and he does feel guilty for leaving so many messes behind, _he really does_ , but this is the only way to keep from fucking up any further.

Everybody would be better off with me dead, Tadashi tells himself.

He keeps that in mind as he takes the four (or six) pills and strips down to only his underwear. He replays the thought as he runs the water, and lays his phone next to the tub. He lolls it all around his cranium, swishing it back and forth like the boiling water of his bath and knocking it against the side of his skull. The only thing running through Tadashi's mind was of how heoric it was, to die of your own accord, to stare the Reaper in the face and demand he take you away. And Tsukki, but then again, he was always thinking of Tsukki.

As luck would have it, Tsukki answers (on the second ring) with the greeting he'd anticipated. The water between his fingers feels luxurious. He speaks his lines slowly and clearly, making sure to enunciate how truly sorry he is for waking his friend.

The conversation goes as expected, with Tsukki's concerns about falling asleep in the bath and Tadashi's loud laugh. He feels proud of himself, for precisely nailing their conversation on the head (right down to the infliction Tsukki uses). And as they inch toward the inevitable confession, Tadashi nearly drops his phone in the tub.

"I love you," he had definitely said.

The pause was expected, but a little too long for Tadashi's liking. "I love you, too, now go to sleep."

"What? No, I-"

"I know what you meant," Tsukki sounded strained. "But I'd rather do this in person."

"...Do what in person?"

"The whole asking-you-out thing.

And this is where Tadashi falls off the face of the Earth. "What?"

"You've been my friend since seventh grade, and I've been trying to ask you out nearly all that time. You can't just expect me to do this randomly at one in the morning over the phone. While you're in the bath of all places. You're cute, but you have no tact." The lilt of his voice is lethal.

"Wait, you mean... You-"

"Yeah," Tsukki mumbles casually, embarrassment and exhaustion peppering his voice.

It wasn't supposed to go like this. " _No._ "

He pulls the phone away from his face before he can hear Tsukki's reaction and stabs the disconnect button. This wasn't supposed to happen. They'd secretly been crushing on each other for years now? How had Tsukishima kept his feelings locked so tightly away that not even his best friend had known?

As the phone clatters carelessly to the floor, Tadashi decides he's sleepy and irritated- with himself or with Tsukki, he can't tell- and the water is definitely getting colder now. Pulling his knees to his chest, he runs over (and over and over) Tsukki's words. Tsukki is expecting to ask him out the next morning on the school grounds. The pads of his fingers keep slipping off his biceps, so he uses his fingernails, effectively digging crescent-shapes into his skin.

His vision is blurry with unrest and maybe tears as he hears his phone ring again. If not for fear of waking his mother, he wouldn't waste energy to lift himself over the lip of the tub to ignore the call. Tsukki calls again. This happens four times before Tadashi leaves his phone to ring itself away, too weak to hold himself.

Does he want to complete his former goal now? As much as he wanted Tsukki to want him, he can't help but feel that it might be too late. He's cursing himself and his friend as he sinks lower in the tub. The surface is too cold and he can't focus or remember why he is in the bath at this hour anyway. Should he get out? He tries lifting himself, but the walls of the bathtub have stretched miles high, high into the sky where the birds freeze, and his pruned fingers can't grip anything but a solid wall of fear. It's too high. It's too cold. He can't go back out there. The obnoxious chime of his friend's concern follows him into the water. Coughing doesn't help if he can't keep his face above the surface.

The last thing Tadashi remembers before he passes out is a loud crash and scream that he thinks might be his mother.

**Author's Note:**

> So things didn't go as planned. His mom found him and he got help and now he kisses his boyfriend under the bleachers and steals his dumb dinosaur shirts the end
> 
> If the title wasn't enough, this wasn't meant to be a good fic.
> 
> Me @ Yamaguchi: I love u, suffer
> 
> Edit: I had absolutely no idea I posted this so close to National Suicide Prevention Day, I was just having a bad day not too long ago and needed to let it out. On that note, my tumblr is [whyrubuyingclothesatthesoupstore](http://whyrubuyingclothesatthesoupstore.tumblr.com), please if you're ever feeling as bad as I or as Yamaguchi was and are thinking of doing something regrettable, reach out to me. I will remind you how loved and valued you are and that everything in this life is temporary. Take care, dear readers.


End file.
